I am Not Going To Have Sex With Emma Watson Even If She Begs Me For It – Gulzar Khan

I have decided that I’m not going to have sex with Emma Watson. I don’t t care if she cries about having sex with me, I just wouldn’t have sex with her come hell or high water. Whatever happens, I’m never going to show my Eiffel Tower to Ms. Watson. No Sir!

Are you looking for a reason? Well, should a man need a reason for not having sex with someone? No! On the contrary, even when there are reasons to have sex with her, I am just not going to. And that’s the way it is going to be. I might have sex with Salma Hayek if she wants to. Obviously she may or may not want to have sex with me. But one thing is for sure, that it’s not going to be with Hermione.

Okay so one might say that “pfft… Emma Watson is not going to have sex you!”. To that person, I will say that that might’ve been the case had I not called dibs on not having sex. She could’ve said, “You know… I am not going to have sex with Gulzar Khan.” But did she? No she did not and she lost her chance.

See, the thing is, how can she say that now? It just wouldn’t be logical and she would just appear to be dumb, which she’s not. But she can’t “can’t have something” which doesn’t exist. It’s that possibility which I have killed by declaring my manhood off limits for her. She lost her chance of saying no to me. She can kiss my ass but she can’t have my man-meat.

I’m never going to allow that she see my love-thang! Ever!!! Okay maybe if I post an illustration or a photograph of my boyzone on the internet and maybe someday she’ll come across and say “Oh my! What a beautiful beautiful penis!”. But she’s not going to see it in real life. If she’s in the same room as I am, I am just not going to take off my pants. That’s it. Yes Emma! It is that easy!

We all know how cute she is, and a friend of mine just told me that since she’s French and French people are delicate and I am a brut. And I told him straight away that she’s never going to find out if I am brut or not.


She is cute, yes I’ll give her that. But I am just not going to give into her charms.

Nope. Nada. Zilch. Nicombro. Naheen. Nai nai.

People say never say never but I am not going to listen to those people for this thing. I am, hell, I ALREADY HAVE SAID NEVER! Hah! So in your face!!!

I might have sex with Mila Kunis. No wait. I might one day get married to Mila Kunis but I am N E V E R going to have the sexytime with Watson. Actually if I get married to Mila, I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else obviously. But right now, as I speak, unmarried to Mila Kunis and completely single… I am saying NO to sex with Emma.

Emma, yeah I am talking to you directly now. You know, even if you give me 3 trillion dollars, this ain’t gonna happen. You just cannot seduce me with money or your looks. You just cannot! Even if you took away all my money and told me that the only way I’d get it back would be by having sex with you, I am just gonna throw my hands up in the air and say NO EMMA!

Sorry lady, you’re just gonna have to grow old with the knowledge that I don’t wanna sleep with you. OK if we sleep on the same bed, we’ll cuddle but NO SEX and no hanky panky OK?!

Do You Have Five Rupees? Allah Ke Naam Pe De De Baba

Do you have five rupees? I kinda need five rupees right now. Have to buy something and I am short five very small ones. Do you think you can help me out in this moment of need? It’s not a very big amount. All I am asking is just five bucks. You won’t even know you’re missing it. Seriously!

Well actually the thing is I was supposed to go buy something from the store. But when I was counting my money, I realized that I needed an extra fiver to make it happen. Without that amount, I won’t be able to finish the task. So do you think you spare some this very tiny amount of moolah and send it to me?

Let me assure you that this money will not be used for any purposes which could harm your health or security. It’s just five rupees man! I am not asking you for the Taj Mahal. I don’t need that. No really! Come on man. Don’t be like that. You will feel better.

Imagine you’re giving it to charity. You can pretend you’re giving it to Imran Khan for his hospital. I promise you when I am done with what I have to do for which I am five rupees short, I will give Imran Khan those 500 paisas myself, on your behalf.

Please sister! Spare some change for someone in need! Don’t you see that what I need to buy is important! Well not crucial to my existence, but it is important in small scheme of things in life. No it’s not food. OK I’ll tell you.

But really?! You’d stoop so low as to try and find out what a brother wants from 5 bucks? Come on man. You’ve gotta be kidding, right? OK so what is it going to be? Are you giving me the money or not? Great! Don’t give me that attitude, give me the money which I am asking.

I am not asking for your fucking attitude OK? Oh really?! Well fuck you too! Keep your money to yourself asshole! I’ll go ask someone else.

Hey, can you give me 5 rupees? Wait what?! It’s you again? Well fuck you and your five rupees. I hope you chock on your five bucks!

Muslim’s God Contacted For Results But Not Responding to Hindu Girl

In a major turn of events, a local Hindu girl known as Gaitri Sharma has tried to reach out to Muslim’s God. Details say that Gaitri Sharma, 22, is trying to get married to a Muslim boy and has asked his God to let him go so he can convert to Hinduism.

The girl, seen leaving a mosque in her area, was said to have been devastated after not hearing from her boyfriend’s God. Reports also say that it were the men at the mosque who actually turned her out before she could put her case forward to their God. The Muslims present at the mosque have been known to be very protective of their God and do not allow people from other religions to contact their God.

Other reports from mosque-going-Muslims clearly indicate that God might’ve answered her prayers had she already been a Muslim.